Murtagh Morzansson This is my Life
by XxHeavenHelpUsxX
Summary: Murtagh's pov on his life with his psychotic family. Sometimes it seems he's the only sane one there.Will he be able to cope? Or will his family drive him to insanity?
1. Introductions and Apple Pies

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story. (sob) damn, I wish I owned Murtagh.

Eragon Quote (Film):

"_Stupid Boy!"_ - Saphira about Eragon.

Eragon Quote (Book):

"_Nothing. It's funny to see a hatchling like you beaten by the old one._" - Saphira to Eragon.

A/n: I can't get the dotted lines as dividers! Never mind, Cheese will be my divider!

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Chapter 1: Introductions and Apple Pies.

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Hi. My name is Murtagh Morzansson. I'm 19.

I live in Alagaesia with the biggest group of sociopaths that ever walked this Earth.

We'll start of with the least annoying. That would have to be Saphira. She is Eragons Blue Dragon. She's alright really. She keeps me sane most of the time.

Then there's my Mother. Selena. She's cool. A little bit of a control freak though. But she sure does make good Apple pies.

After her there is a draw for the next annoying.

Thorn, who is my Dragon,

Brom, who is this old man who isn't right in the head, but then again who is in this house?

and Morzan, my father who is a power hungry psycho, really that's the only description for him.

The 3rd most annoying has gotta be Durza. The Shade that's in dire need of a tooth brush and a hair brush. It's seems to be his job to annoy the crap out of me. And he's convinced that there is an Evil army of Cheese Monkeys coming to kill us all. Come on! Insane much?

The 2nd would defiantly be Arya. The elf princess. She's the biggest Mary-Sue I've ever had the misfortune to come across, and she's a damn tree hugger for God's sake!!

She's really into this echo-friendly crap. She always goes on about eating meat. But while she doesn't eat animals she wears them! And she calls us bad.

She thinks she's the best damn thing on the planet and that she's a God. Yeah right. Eragons fish, Jimmy, is more of a God than she is, and he swims around in circles all day!

In 1st place is Eragon. My little brother who I am forced to share a room with. I don't know how I haven't murdered him yet. He sings in his sleep for God's sake!! I get next to no sleep and when I do, Eragon wakes up and he doesn't like being the only awake with no-one to annoy so he yells his head off to wake me up! Now I have taken to sleeping with my Ipod on so I can get some peace. Not to mention he has an obsession with Pie. And he follows me around like a lost puppy.

Well that's the introductions done. Now to see a day in the life of Murtagh Morzansson.

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I woke up this morning to the sound of Eragon yelling

"MURTAGH!! WAKE UP!! THE PIES ARE ATTACKING!!"

That isn't even the worst thing. My brother has this really high-pitched voice when he yells.

It sounds like a cat in pain. Seriously.

Then Brom came up the stairs singing "The Sound of Music".

Brom can't sing to save his life.

My father then made an appearance out of his room and rugby-tackled Brom so the two crashed down the stairs.

A smell draughted up the stairs. My mother must have been making breakfast.

"WAFFLES!!!" screamed Durza as he ran out of his room at the fastest speed I've ever seen. Did I mention the fact that he's in love with Waffles?

I'm surprised he didn't fall down the stairs he was running so fast. I went back into my room to retrieve my Ipod from my under my pillow. Eragon was lying in his bed. I couldn't believe it! He'd fallen back asleep!

I went downstairs and snuck passed all the commotion in the hall and into the kitchen. I went to the press and took out an apple pie. I walked passed everyone yelling in the hall,

They were to busy to notice me, and back upstairs to our room. The minute I walked in I saw Eragon was still asleep.

"Sniff".

I turned around. What the hell was that?

"Sniff".

"APPLE PIE!!!" screamed Eragon as he leaped out of the bed with such speed that I could see wind behind him.

He ran out of the room and tripped over the rug and went flying down the stairs and crashing into Durza who was trying to steal the waffles.

"And you said you needed a Dragon to fly" I laughed.

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"Good Morning Murtagh. How are you this fine day." asked Arya as she exited her bedroom.

"Fine, fine. Put this Pie back down in the press and leave me alone" I said as I gave her the pie and walked into my room to attempt to get ready for the day ahead of me.

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About 10 minutes later I exited my room and turned on my Ipod smiling slightly as the sound of "Numb Encore" by Linkin Park and Jay-Z blasted in the headphones.

"Perfect" I said to myself.

I went down and into the kitchen where the rest of my so called "family" were sitting eating breakfast.

Eragon had about 10 waffles piled onto his plate and was scoffing them down like a pig.

If you think that's bad, Durza had about 25 and was scoffing them down like, well, Durza.

"Morning dear" said my mother as I walked over to the sink for of water. I can rarely stomach anything else this early in the morning. Early in this case meaning 6 o' clock.

"Good morning oh fantastic Older Brother of mine!" said Eragon as walked past him. I just looked at him.

If that wasn't weird enough my father actually acknowledged my existence without insulting me! Shocker.

Durza finished his Waffles and reached into get more.

Selena slapped his hand away.

"No Durza! Bad boy! No more waffles! I said Eragon could have some more first!" she said.

Durza and Eragon got into a huge glaring competition.

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I sighed as I walked into the huge library and sat down to read

"The Shining" by Stephen King. I've already read the book 7 or so times but oh well.

It distracts me from my highly dysfunctional family.

They say every family has its problems. Well in that case my family has enough problems to make up for all the families in Surda! I wouldn't be surprised if my mother signed us up to go on "Jerry Springer". I can see that being fun.

Hmm. I like that line in the book.. "Here's Johnny!" ha. My middle name is Johnny. I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if I went crazy with an axe and murdered all my family.

"Redrum." Ha. I might write that on the mirror in mine and Eragons room and see if it scares him.

He always says my normal writing looks like something out of a Japanese Horror film. It kinda does I suppose.

"Who wants Apple Pie?" called Selena.

"Me, Me, Me, Me!!" yelled Eragon.

I have to admit though she does make good pies.

She uses the recipe that was given to her by our Nanny Jessie.

(Bill-Preston, Think of Eragon as Eoin and you'll get what I mean. Lol)

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"Are you all right in here Murtagh? You're really quiet." said my father as he walked around the maze of bookshelves to where I sat in the armchair reading.

My father, Morzan. Checking in to see if I was alright?

Okay now I know something's wrong.

Then I realised. He was using me as an excuse to get away from the sociopaths in the kitchen.

Can't say I really blame him though.

Brom was singing "Irish Rover",

Eragon was scoffing down Apple Pie and was trying to sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life",

Selena was trying to clean up,

Durza was practicing his "Evil" laugh, which sounded like he was coughing up a hair ball and Thorn and Saphira were still asleep.

Damn, Lazy-ass Overgrown Lizards.

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There was a knock at the door and my mother tore herself away from cleaning to answer it.

My father followed her as I put away my book and went back into the kitchen.

Morzan and Selena walked back into the room followed by our visitor. I groaned. It was Galbatorix. Who else?

It would have to be Mr-I-am-the-all-Powerful-King-of-Alagaesia-Bow-down-before-me-worthless-peasents-even-though-I-have-more-hair-than-brains coming to visit. Or cause trouble more likely.

Damn I'd love to slap that man in the face with a dead fish.

Hang on. Didn't mom buy a full smoked salmon yesterday?

Score!

I got the Salmon from the Freezer in the shed and tied it to a piece of string.

I tied the string over the banister and onto the door handle of the bathroom.

I went into our bedroom which was the room next to bathroom away from the stairs and called Eragon.

Galbatorix was still standing in the hall for whatever reason and Eragon came up the stairs.

As I thought, he was to high on Apple Pie to notice the string and the pulled, released the fish, and I watched as it sung down and hit right on its target. Galbatorixs face.

Selena watched the whole thing and laughed. Durza started pissing himself laughing and Eragon just looked confused.

Even Morzan had to stiffle a laugh. Galbatorix left the house to go home to Uru'baen and pout.

I thought they'd all be pissed. But none of 'em were.

Selena actually thanked me.

Then Eragon announced that he was going Emo.

"What the Hell? You aint Emo" I said to him.

"Am to! Now I'm going to go listen to my Emo music!" he said as he stomped off.

"What the hell is that kid on?" I asked to know one in particular.

"I know. You're the only Emo in this family." came an unexpected reply from Thorn.

"Yeah" I nodded in agreement.

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When I went up to our room about an hour later,

Eragon was lying back on his bed listening to what he claimed to be "Emo" music.

I walked up to him and took on of his head phones.

"Hey! Give me back my Emo music!" he demanded.

"Emo music my ass. Weird Al Yankovic's "Omish Paradise is not Emo music!" I said to him, mildly amazed that he thought that Weird Al did Emo music. Taking the piss outta Emo music yeah, but not actual Emo music for God's sake.

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The day dragged on as I started to get really bored.

Eragon was still pouting because I told him Weird Al wasn't Emo music, Selena was busy baking as many Apple Pies as she could. Brom was singing "When I'm 64" very badly so it sounded like he was singing "When I'm at the Door". instead.

Morzan was outside practicing with his bow,

Durza was still practicing his so called "Evil" laugh which now sounded like he was having an asthma attack.

So I thought I'd watch T.V. Not a good idea I soon realised.

Eragon came down an wouldn't stop talking to me.

So after about 15 minutes of this I turned of the TV and went back to the library to read something.

I found Brom in there looking at a "Where's Wally" book.

"Damn where is he? This would be so much easier if these damn people weren't there!" he exclaimed in an annoyed tone.

I walked further in and found Durza reading a book entitled

"Taking Over the World. A Guide for psycho fools."

I sighed and walked to the second last seating area where I found Eragon, however he got in here from the sitting-room without me noticing, reading "The Complete Adventures of Garfield".

I smiled and walked to the last seating place where I usually sat.

There was never anyone there. That's what I liked about it.

It was quiet.

I reached up and got "The Shining" from where I left it on the top shelf and I went to sit down and read it when I heard Durza shouting

"RUN! RUN! THE CHEESE MONKYS ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

So much for it being quiet here.

"Just another day in the Morzansson household." I said to myself as I went to read my book when I noticed that it was just the cover of "The Shining". The story inside was "The Complete Looney Tunes Annual".

"ERAGON!!"

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That's chapter 1 done. It's was really weird, I know but I just felt like writing it. I was listening to a variety of songs as I wrote this including all the ones I mention. I'm currently listening to the "Rocky Balboa Theme Song". And I love "The Shining" which is why I put it in. Let me know what ya think!

Dragon Rider Murtagh


	2. The Shining and Tesco

A/n: I lost my Plot Bunnies!! I know it's terrible.

But, I found them all hiding under my bed! They were over worked.

I gave them a carrot and lots of coffee and now they're up and ready to write!

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story. Nothing and I doubt Christopher Paolini or anyone else is gonna give me any of it for my birthday so I'm just gonna have to deal with borrowing them….

Quote:

_"Anyway, I'm not going to stay behind while some stripling gets to run around with a dragon" - Brom_

Chapter 2: The Shining and Tesco

"ERAGON! I'm gonna kill you! Where did you put my bloody book?! Tell me or I swear to God I'll make your life a living hell!" I yelled when I realised Eragon had taken my book.

Needless to say, I was pissed.

I walked through the library and upstairs where I found Eragon on his bed listening to his Ipod.

Wait. His Ipod is white. Not black.

He was listening to my Ipod!

I walked over to him and pulled the head phones out of his ears so fast we heard a pop.

"Owww! What was that for?!" asked Eragon.

"That was taking my book AND listening to my Ipod without asking me first!" I replied.

"But, but, you would have said no." said Eragon sounding like a 3 year old that had just had his favourite teddy taken from him.

"Damn straight I would! And there's a reason why I don't let you borrow my stuff!" I said getting annoyed now.

"And what's this reason?" asked Eragon.

"You always break it you idiot!" I replied seriously annoyed now.

"No fair! I only broke your cd player!" he said.

"And my old Ipod, 2 of my old phones, my laptop, our computer, and my bow. Hell you even nearly broke my sword!" I said.

Eragon didn't say anything.

"Now tell me where my book is…Now!" I said when he remained silent.

"Fine!" he said he reached into the bedside locker and got "The Shining".

"Good boy. Now never go near my stuff again."

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I left the room and went back down to the kitchen.

It was chaos.

Arya was painting signs that said "Save the Wales!" and "Meat Kills!".

Selena had moved on from Pies and was now making waffles.

But unknown to her, Durza was eating them all when she put them on the plate. Man, was she gonna be pissed.

Morzan was drinking a can of Guinness and there were several empty cans scattered on the floor.

"He's gonna have a head ache the size of Surda in the morning"

I thought.

Brom was in the sitting room trying to break-dance- seeing a man who' over 100 years old and not an elf trying to break dance is not a pretty sight and Thorn and Saphira were outside racing.

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Someone knocked on the door and no-one else seemed to notice, so I went to answer the door.

"Hello Murtagh, How are you today?" asked Galbatorix when I opened the door.

I groaned and slammed the door in his face and walked back into the sitting room and collapsed onto the sofa.

Galbatorix walked in and nodded to me and Brom and continued into the kitchen.

Selena left the kitchen and came into the sitting room and sat down next to me.

"Galbatorix said that you let him in." she said to me.

I groaned in reply.

"Why didn't you close it before he came in?" she asked me.

"I did. I just forgot to lock it so he let himself in." I replied.

"Oh alright. Just remember to lock it in future." she said.

"I will." I answered.

"So. Where's your brother?" she asked me.

"Pouting in our room most like" I replied.

"So the usual then basically?" she said.

I nodded.

"Right then. I thought it would be nice if we all went to Tesco's together. As a family" she said to me.

I groaned at the thought. I remembered the last time we were at Tesco's together.

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"MUM! I wanna lollipop!" screamed Eragon.

"MUM! I wanna go home!" he had screamed.

"Mmuumm! I'm bored!!! I wanna go play with the dead fish!"

He'd screamed

Now imagine this repeatedly for an hour and you'll understand why I have a deep hate for shopping with Eragon. And Eragon in general.

Most of you will probably say

"But he was only a little kid!"

Well, in reply to that, it was last month.

"Do we have to mum?" I said.

"Yes we do. I know last time wasn't fun but it'll be better this time. Arya, Morzan, Brom and Durza will be there as well this time." She said.

"I fail to see how that makes it any better. Worse, sure but not better." I replied irritably.

"We're going and that's final. Go get your brother." she replied as she got up.

"This is gonna be a long day…" I sighed to myself as I left to get Eragon.

"Yay! Shopping with mummy!!" Eragon screamed when I told him we were going to Tesco.

"God, seriously Eragon, What are you on?" I asked him.

"Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lo.." he started.

"OK OK! I get it. Just say what it is. One word that's all." I cut him off.

"PIE!!!!" he screamed as he ran out of the room. Or more to the point ran into the door. He got up and skipped out of the room. "Eragon! Where the name of Helzvog are you going?" I yelled after him.

"To feed Jimmy of course! Duh!!" he said to me as if going to feed his fish for the first time in 4 months was the most obvious thing ever.

"And he's supposed to be the smart one.." I heard Eragon mutter as he walked down the stairs.

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About half an hour later we pulled up in Tesco's car park.

Eragon got out of the car and frolicked, yes frolicked, not a typo, across the car park.

Arya and Brom were having an "intelligent" conversation about the "Looney Tunes", Selena was trying to look calm, but failing miserably, Morzan was glaring at everyone who walked past him and Durza was smiling widely. I know, scary much?! Durza smiling. Not a pretty sight. The minute we walked into the shop we saw Eragon talking to Garrow, Marian, Roran and Katrina.

He was talking so fast that he sounded like a fly. You know, those flies that you really, really want to swat but you just can't quite get them. Garrow and Marian just stood there smiling and nodding, pretending to have a clue what he were talking about and Roran and Katrina breathed out in relief when they saw me.

"So they got you too." Roran said as they came over to meet me.

"Yeah….Parents suck.." I replied.

"Tell me about it." agreed Katrina.

"So how's life in the Morzansson household?" asked Roran.

"Hell." I replied simply.

"Sorry Murtagh. I don't know how you haven't slit your wrists yet." Roran said to me.

"Honestly Roran, neither do I." I replied with a sigh.

"So other than a seriously dysfunctional family, how are you?" asked Katrina.

"Fine I suppose. But if Eragon doesn't leave me the hell alone I wont be able to say the same for him.." I said as I looked over at my brother who was acting like a chicken. Oh wait….He wasn't acting.

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Selena walked over to Garrow and Marian were standing and started apologising for Eragon acting well, like Eragon….

Finally Eragon stopped talking. Which was an achievement in itself, and we started shopping.

Durza walked to the aisle the waffles were on, Arya ran to the vegetable aisle, Morzan went for the off-licence , Eragon ran to the bakery and Brom and I walked over to the Cd/DVD aisle and left Selena standing there wondering how the hell had everyone ran off so fast.

The intercom cracked and the announcer said

"Will the owner of the blond idiot pleas collect him from the bakery counter please. We would also suggest sending it, I mean him to a mental hospital."

"OH FOR FU.." The sound of a lorry passing in the street outside drowned out the rest of my shout.

It was a very loud lorry.

"Right. I'd better go get the little drajl." I said as I walked off to retrieve Eragon….I wonder if they sell guns in Tesco.

If they do, Eragon better run like hell.

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I found the little shielven hiding in behind the Pies. As if I couldn't guess he was there. Idiot. He refused to leave the pies so I said "Malthinane" and pinned him to the using magic. I threatened him. A lot.

He was shaking when I finished.

"Right. I'm going to leave you up now and you are going to behave for the rest of the shopping and if you do that, I wont kill you." I said viciously.

Eragon seriously thought that I was gonna kill him if he continued pissing me off.

So, much to my surprise, he stopped messing.

Or at least, I thought he did.

I turned around and walked away to find out 10 minutes later, that Eragon decided that it would be fun to use trolleys as skate boards and challenge Durza to a race. Of course Durza being Durza, he accepted without a moments thought. Not that it would have helped anyway. I was looking at the Cds with Brom and Eragon flew past me with Durza close behind.

Then Eragon being genius of Alagaesia, forgot to stop and crashed headfirst into a pyramid of soup cans. Durza flew past him laughing manically, tripped and fell over the "finish line"

"OWW!!!" a scream erupted from the knocked over pile of cans.

I went over and pulled him out of the cans.

"Are you alright?" I asked him.

"I-I-I think I got a boo boo!" He wailed.  
"Good. Maybe that will teach you to be the biggest knurlheim Alagaesia has ever seen. Barzuln Knurlan." I said as I pushed him back into the cans and walked away.

We emerged from Tesco about 15minutes later.

In the car, everyone was pissed.

Morzan wasn't allowed buy the entire stock of beer,

Brom wasn't allowed buy a Queen Cd,

Durza was in a good mood for some strange reason.

Arya had hit Selena in the face with a raw carrot and now they were both annoyed,

Eragon was feeling sorry for himself and I was pissed because if Eragon. No surprise there.

The trip home past in utter silence.

Just as the car pulled up in the driveway Durza broke the silence and what he said made us glare at him.

"So, I guess I won the race then….."

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A/n: Sorry about the delay. I don't really have an excuse though…

Translations for the Ancient Language:

Drajl: (Urgal) Spawn of Maggots

Shielven: Coward

Malthinane: To hold or bind in place.

Knurlheim: Stone Head

Barzuln Knurlan: (Dwarfish) To curse someone with ill-fate.


End file.
